If you need to bite someone, it’s useful to be angry
18 August 2022
They come because they are in pain
18 August 2022
There was a big, red haired bouncer called Harry. He worked in the best clubs, and he loved his job.
But Harry kept getting in trouble for being confrontational and violent. Eventually, he got fired.
He got another job, but his behaviour didn’t change, and he got fired from that too.
Now Harry has a job installing cables underground, and he does it six days a week.
Harry has to go to court because charges have been filed against him for his violent confrontations.
At this insistence of his family, he went to counselling to prepare for his court appearance. He said,
“I’ve been there before – three times. I get to the courtroom, and then I find out they postponed the hearing.
And if they pull any of that this time, I don’t care, I’ll jump right over the gate and give the judge a piece of my mind and let him know what I think about this shit.”
The counsellor had a vivid picture in mind of these events unfolding just as Harry had described, so she said:
“Wow, you come to me for counseling, but really I am the one who needs to be learning from you.”
“WTF do you mean?” he asked.
“I mean, I would sit and learn from you because you know much more about kindness and putting other people first than I ever will.”
Harry was baffled – he knew counselling was a dumb idea. He thought about storming out and slamming the door behind him. But because his family had been so resolute, he collected himself and said,
“What are you talking about?”
The counsellor explained.
“If I was called in front of the judge, I would just say, ‘Yes, sir, your honour, sir,’ and do everything I could to keep myself protected, to avoid living in a cage, but you are up there willing to sacrifice your own self, put your own mind and body in all kinds of jeopardy in order to teach the judge a lesson.
I wouldn’t sacrifice that much even for someone for whom I have a lot of affection. I see you sacrificing everything for someone you don’t even like, and I have great respect for you for doing that.”
Harry was incandescent with rage, but he couldn’t fault the logic of the counsellor’s argument. He said, rather forlorn,
“Well, now I get it.”
This story tells us a lot about anger, and a lot about how effectively stories can get a message across
We could go back for forth forever discussing the pros and cons of anger. But when we see the logical steps laid and consider Harry’s options, it would hard to side with those who believe anger and its unconsidered expression is useful.
If I try to gently explain to an angry client that their plans are a bad idea, or that their perspective is incorrect, the client will likely to go into attack or defence mode.
Taking the action, or maintaining their view of the world, becomes a matter of personal pride, and that means stuckness will increase.
Giving an angry person advice is like feeding someone while they are vomiting.
The scenic, creative route will be more effective than the direct version.
Post inspired by the work of Dr. Jon Connelly. Angry Harry is featured in the Rapid Resolution Therapy facilitator’s training manual.
